nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
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Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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