I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
