Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
