I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
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I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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