Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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