i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
