What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
