This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
