I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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