i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
