I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
