my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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