he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
