I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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