My underwear smells like fireworks.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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