I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
