Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
