dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
