I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
