If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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