Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
