Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
