every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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