You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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