So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
