Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
