Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
