either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Quick, to the slutcave!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
