so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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