I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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