I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
