mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
