What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
