she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
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holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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