Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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