Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
