Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
