i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
