I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
