dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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