Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
