I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
