Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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