My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
