roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
