A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
