Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
