So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
