Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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