how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
