Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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