The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
