I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
