Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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