Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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