Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
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