She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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